The Bernie Mac Show (2001)

In the pilot, much to his chagrin, Bernie and Wanda are forced to take care of his sister's three children, Vanessa, Jordan, and Bryanna since she can no longer take care of them anymore.

Bernie's desperate to get away to Vegas with his frineds, but Bryana's birthday and the germ infested children that it causes make it a difficulty.

Jordan is tormented by bullies at school, so Bernie teaches him some moves that unfortunately turn Jordan into a monster.

When Wanda plans a play date for a group of kids, Bernie ends up winning over the moms for the afternoon and becoming defensive about his masculinity.

Bernie and Wanda bring the kids to church to discipline them, but Bernie ends up being the immature one. Later on, the Bishop and Deacon show up at Bernie's house during his poker night and suggest that Bernie allow them to use his house for bible study.

Bernie realizes that the kids are here to stay, so he begins treating them differently. Wanda complains that Bernie is treating the kids like roomates and holds off sex from him until he realizes the kids are truly part of their family.

The kids get a dog from the pound, thinking it will be the perfect present for Bernie. Bernie finds the dog, hides it, thinking it is the perfect present for the kids. They think he took it back to the pound, so they try and get revenge.

With the kids officially under Bernie's control, it's come time to find them schooling. He enrolls Bryana in a prestigious preschool, Jordan in Catholic school and Vanessa in public junior high. On the first day however, everything that can go wrong, does. With Wanda at work, Bernie is forced to figure everything out for himself. While trying to braid Bryana's hair, he gets hair grease all over his favorite shirt. Jordan fakes being sick and actually forces himself to puke on Bernie's second favorite shirt. Vanessa barricades herself in the bathroom, having ""the worst hair day ever!"" Bernie being Bernie fortunately finds away around all the problems. He fixes Bryana's hair, he foils Jordan's fake illness and he boosts Vanessa's confidence. Not bad for a day's work. If only he didn't ruin his favorite shirts in the process.

On a hot day, Vanessa detours the family's trip to the water park. Back at home, the kids act wild and the air conditioning breaks.

Wanda spends time with the kids and considers having a child with Bernie.

when Bernie realizes that anything he says to Jordan and Bryana first goes through Vanessa, he decides to stop fighting the situation and let Vanessa be responsible for the kids.

Jordan sets his sights on joining Vanessa and Bryana on the Bernie Mac Hall of Fame awards shelf. He decides to join his school's football team after hearing that everyone on the squad gets a trophy just for participating. Bernie is thrilled that Jordan is playing football—until he sees his playing skills.

Bernie is booked on a popular morning radio show, and he gets himself into trouble with the whole family when he draws from his private life to bring comedy to the public airwaves.

Bernie becomes concerned when he begins to see the classic signs that old age is catching up with him. He's forgetful, has aches and pains, and is finding gray hairs in, uh, unwanted places. When a panic attack sends Bernie to the Emergency Room after an argument with the kids, he decides to not let the kids send him to an early grave. He fights back and begins trying to act young again. He blasts his music and nags his friends for not staying up all night to play poker with him. Bernie only makes matters worse however when all his ""young"" activities take their toll on his mind and body. When Bryana asks Bernie to play in her Father-Daughter Basketball tournament at school, he complains, saying that he is just too old to play. When he gets to the game though, he realizes that he should be playing and joins in. Although he gets hurt playing, Bernie realizes that being old doesn't mean stopping your life.

When someone breaks into the Mac house, Bernie realizes how vulnerable his family is and turns the house into a high-security compound. Bernie is reminded by his friends of all the crime that happens outside of the home and drives his family crazy with his overprotectiveness.

Impressed by the behavior and talents of another family's kids, Bernie cracks down on his own with a program of constant studying.

After hearing Bernie use inappropriate language at home, Bryana goes to school and repeats it—much to the horror of her teacher. Soon after, a social worker shows up at the house to discuss Bernie's hostility problems.

Bernie is concerned that the kids are exposed to mature subjects.

Bernie takes Jordan to a Clippers' game but tells Wanda that Jordan has had an asthma attack and had to go to the hospital. Wanda tries to help Jordan 'feel better'. He feels guilty and asks Bernie if he can admit his wrongdoing. Bernie explains that it is occasionaly ok to lie, but Jordan takes it to a whole new level. He manipulates his sisters, aunt, school, and even Bernie. When the family has dinner a slew of lies are admitted by everyone in the family.

When Kelly's girlfriend throws him out, Bernie lets him stay at the house.

Bernie takes the entire family to Chicago for the funeral of a beloved uncle, but his cousin's scheming mars the trip.

Bernie takes the family on a tour of his old stomping grounds. Vanessa attempts to find her mother.

It's Bernie who acts like a kid when Wanda teams with him in a charity golf tournament. Bernie sees it as a grudge match against the host, Matt Damon, who has been claiming he consistently outshot ""Mac Man"" while they were filming Ocean's Eleven. Bernie savors the thought of beating the Oscar winner in public—but his confidence wavers when he learns that Damon's warriorlike playing partner in the best-ball event is Lucy Lawless.

When Bryana loses her doll after a day at the beach, Bernie begins a midnight odyssey to retrieve it. After a grueling search, Bernie finds the doll, but realizes he must wean Bryana from it. When reasoning with her fails, Bernie decides to take more drastic action.

Bernie is delighted that the kids are in a carpool because it means he will only have to drive them to school two days a week. The delight is short-lived when the carpool becomes more complicated. Jordan teases one of the boys in the car, so Bernie makes Jordan set up a playdate with him. Eventually the boy starts blackmailing Jordan to be his friend, and the boy's father won't stop bothering Bernie.

Bernie is sick of the kids tearing up the house, so he decides to make them clean up everything they've ruined. The kids go along with the plan until they realize Bernie isn't paying them extra for their labor. The kids decide to go on strike. When the house turns into a sty, Bernie hires scabs (neighborhood kids) to do the work.

Jordan's homework of caring for a snake has Bryanna clamoring for her own pet. Wildlife expert Jules Sylvester counsels Bernie.

Vanessa is slow to invite Bernie to a father-daughter dance, but quick to treat him like a stranger once there.

To ensure he has enough turkey at Thanksgiving, Bernie makes his own personal, no-kids-allowed bird—which comes out undercooked, thanks to Jordan. But Bernie plows through anyway, only to suffer a ravaging illness that prompts two disturbing dreams. In the first, he and Jordan are claymation characters in a cartoon universe, where Bernie takes a measure of revenge by capturing his young ""jive turkey."" In the other, Bernie and Wanda are flying to a kid-free tropical vacation—until he spots a demonic Vanessa on the wing of the plane.

Bernie enlists Wanda to join him in a "united front" to be tougher on the kids, but she doesn't like getting the same cold shoulder they give him.

Don Rickles plays a neighbor who dispenses some unorthodox advice when Bernie is told he has high cholesterol. Though it's a sore shoulder and badgering from Wanda that sends Bernie to the doctor, he comes away sore at the physician for weighing him down with bad news. The problem can be controlled through diet and exercise, but that would mean avoiding the finer things to which Mac is accustomed... like fries from Royal Burger. But neighborly Don Rickles suggests that stress is the real problem, and what causes stress? Why, dieting, of course! And that's the case Bernie presents to an incredulous Wanda.

Bernie and Jordan square off in a battle not quite of biblical proportions, but certainly of biblical content, as the youngster craftily uses the Good Book for manipulation when he believes he's being unduly punished. After a priest at school misinterprets Jordan's innocent questions about religion, he warns Bernie, who sentences the boy to intensive Bible study. But that backfires when Jordan cons younger sister Bryanna into being the standard-bearer for a crusade against sin—keeping his own hands clean when Bryanna dumps Bernie's liquor; rips up his celebrity photos (to combat idolatry); and tells on Wanda when she fibs.

Wesley Snipes takes a genial comic spin as Wanda's easygoing boss, Duke, who invites the couple to a dinner party. Feeling as if the kids are ""turning my brain into mush,"" Bernie relishes this rare opportunity for adult conversation. But playing a parlor game underscores just how much being around the kids has influenced Bernie — asked to name something that flies, he submits ""Tinkerbell"" — and he takes some, well, kidding, from the Duke. Back at home, Vanessa baby-sits her siblings and takes matters into her own hand when Jordan gets troublesome.

Jordan plans to impress one of Vanessa's friends with magic.

Bernie and Wanda attend Vanessa's parent night at her school. They are shocked to find that her teacher likes her, and thinks she is not being challenged enough, so he suggests she run for class president. Jordan is upset when he puts his time into making a dung beetle project, but ends up only getting the huge pile of dung done. So Bernie decides to help Jordan on his next project, which turns out to be a VERY detailed model of an old building, but Bernie does all the work. Vanessa also asks Bernie to help her on her campaign, so Bernie appears as many characters in her video of why she should be allected. It goes over so well that Vanessa asks Bernie to compete in the school talent show, to help along her campaign. Meanwhile, Jordan's project turns out great, but Bernie doesn't know that Jordan has decided to make a few extra things. He changes the roof, throws in some plastic people, and sets it on fire, laughing hysterically. Bernie trips on pieces of it, trying to put the fire out

After taking the kids to the movies, Las Vegas-bound Bernie is further delayed by scenes that grow out of what they saw there, but weren't supposed to see.

Chris Rock and Jay Leno guest star, as Bernie takes a long-standing grudge against Rock all the way to The Tonight Show. Upset after seeing Rock get preferential treatment at a doctor's office, Bernie's blood boils even more when his poker buddies fall all over his fellow comic, who drops by to tell Bernie that they will be co-hosting an awards show. That's not cool with Bernie, who maintains that back in their early days as stand-ups, Chris once told a joke on stage that Bernie had told him just moments before. The situation comes to a head when they're booked on Leno, who's unaware of the rift between the two.

Bernie uses principles of chess to check the kids' desires, but Jordan's no pawn as he moves to achieve his goal: a paintball gun!

Tired of having to run to the store all the time for the kids, Bernie Mac's friends introduce him to Cost Depot. At first this solution is so simple/fun but it soon gets very addicting.

Bernie Mac gets a maid for himself only but the kids use the maid behind his back.

After enrolling his kids in a slew of extracurricular activities, Bernie suddenly finds his own free time disappearing when he is selected to be an activities suprvisor.

Bernie's sister, Benita, comes to visit, and all havoc starts. She first tells Bryana that she cannot play Snow White in the school play because she is black. She also buys a cell phone for Vanessa, that Bernie did not allow. Meanwhile, Jordan is obsessed with Benita when she walks around the house in her robe.

Wanda's parents, Lloyd and Leora, visit the Mac household. Bernie and Wanda first think the visit will be good for the kids. But Lloyd and Leora start to give them more then they bargained for when hey start to criticize Bernie and Wanda's parenting skills. Bernie and Wanda decide to let the grandparents take care of the kids and leave for several hours. When they return, Bernie and Wanda tell Lloyd and Leora how they feel and decide the best thing is for the grandparents to leave. When Vanessa finds out, she is very upset because Leora did not tell her parents that a boy kissed her. Everyone makes up and decide to leave parenting to Bernie and Wanda.

Bernie finds out Jordan has never had a birthday party. He can't believe his mom never gave him one. He decides to give Jordan a very special 10th birthday. Jordan gets excited and as he hands out the invitations at school, finds out another boy, Billy, is having a birthday party on the same day. Since Billy's birthday theme was more interesting, the kids tell Jordan they will not be going to his party. Bernie calls Billy's dad to try and work something out but Billy's dad is not very cooperative. Bernie hires a party planner and they decide to have an alien birthday party with a surprise at the end. The kids really want to know what the surprise is, so they plan on going to Jordan's party. Billy's dad calls Bernie to talk about this but Bryanna answers the phone. Upset because Jordan was getting a better party then she did, she tells Billy's dad the surprise is an alien. Billy's dad tells all of the kids and on the day of Jordan's party, no one shows up. Bernie and Billy's dad fight b

Jordan tries out for the basketball team, but the coach decides he is better suited for gymnastics -- as a ribbon dancer. Meanwhile, Wanda coaches Bryana's soccer team and turns her into a lean, mean soccer machine.

When a litigious neighbor asks Bernie to tear down the treehouse he built for Jordan, it leads to an all-night standoff. Meanwhile, a relentless Bryanna tries to put a bumper sticker that represents her good grades in school on Wanda's car, but Wanda tries different ways to put the sticker anywhere but on her car.

Bernie tries to instill a sense of old-school Christmas tradition in the kids but when they become obsessed with gift-getting Bernie decides to cancel Christmas altogether. Meanwhile, new Senior VP Wanda overcompensates for her promotion by trying to find a gift for everyone on her staff which distracts her from catching the Christmas spirit.

When Bernie lands the dramatic lead role of a stroke afflicted former track star, he has a hard time convincing everyone he has the chops to be a serious dramatic actor and reaches out to Angela Bassett for acting advice. Since Bernie is working and cannot care for the kids after school, Wanda must put the younger kids into daycare at her work. Upset at being stuck with a bunch of babies, Jordan leads a child rebellion where the kids escape daycare and wreak havoc on the office. Meanwhile, Vanessa pretends to be poor, so that Teri, a girl at school, will like her. But the plan backfires when Teri finds out that Vanessa is lying and that she is really Bernie Mac's niece.

Bernie finds out that Jordan has been getting haircuts with Wanda and the girls at a beauty salon and decides it's time to take him to Bernie's favorite barbershop downtown so Jordan can learn to be one of the guys. There they talk sports, politics, community and most importantly -- smack. But things backfire when Jordan's first attempt at smack-talking hits a nerve with Earl, the barbershop owner, who throws the two out of his shop. Meanwhile, the girls bond with Wanda when they team up to figure out how to change the batteries in the incessantly beeping home smoke detectors.

When Vanessa brings home her first boyfriend, Reggie, Bernie gets to work on scaring the guy off but quickly realizes that Reggie is a good influence on Jordan and could lead him away from bug collecting and into sports and girls. Bernie decides he can take advantage of the situation and let Vanessa think she has a boyfriend while also giving Jordan a role model. When this prevents Vanessa and Reggie from spending any alone-time together, Vanessa decides to break up until Bernie uses reverse psychology on her to get them back together. Meanwhile, Wanda decides to clear space in her closet and give some shoes to the Salvation Army, but letting go is harder than she thought it would be.

When Wanda quits her job after getting passed up for a promotion, she tries to re-channel her energies toward Bernie. The togetherness starts to wear thin, however, when she upsets Bernie's writing process as he prepares for his talk show appearance on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." Meanwhile, Jordan wants to become friends with the big boys on the block, and figures the best way to do it is to hook one of them up with his older sister, Vanessa.

Bernie and Wanda host a Mac family reunion barbecue for about 50 of Bernie's extended relatives who invade L.A. for the weekend. At first, Bernie is excited and looks forward to bonding with his relatives and strengthening their family ties, but when his Aunt Sis starts to pester him about co-hosting a cooking show with her on the Food Network, cousin Lou starts to harass him, and his older brother Carl questions the way he and Wanda are raising the children, Bernie starts to question why he agreed to host the reunion in the first place. Meanwhile, Vanessa and Shonte, a distant cousin by marriage, flirt with each other until Bernie informs them that they are more closely related than they thought.

Bernie takes a film role because it stars Bryana's favorite character, Droobie, a Barney-like dinosaur. Bryana, unable to separate fiction and reality, is upset with Bernie because he plays the villain in the film and is mean to her cherished Droobie. She gives Bernie the silent treatment, and his plan to show her that the two are friends goes terribly wrong when Bryana catches him stuffing the Droobie costume into the trunk of a car and thinks he has killed her favorite dinosaur. Meanwhile, Jordan is selling candy bars to raise money for his school but is not having an easy time of it. To ease his pressure, Jordan eats the candy bars and then must come up with a way to pay the school back.

Jordan enters the school spelling contest. Bernie gives him a little advice that humor can help him overcome his fear. But his material proves that Jordan has no place in the comedy business.

Bernie's in-laws pay the family a visit and, as usual, Bernie and Wanda's father, Lloyd, bicker continuously. Wanda asks Bernie to go easy on Lloyd this time as her parents are having money problems and cannot buy a new Cadillac. But even when Bernie offers to buy the car, Lloyd refuses because it's not the top-of-the line model he wants. Meanwhile, we learn why the two men don't get along in a series of flashbacks, as Bernie takes us back to when he met Wanda and her father didn't approve of his daughter dating a comic delivery man who told jokes on the subway.

Bernie discovers that Jordan has taken his framed Redd Foxx ticket stub for the school time capsule when he is asked to include something that connects him to his past and doesn't have anything of his own. Bernie tells Jordan the hard facts about his past – how his father left them and that when life deals a rough hand one has to suck it up. But the hard facts harden Jordan and Bernie's afraid he's gone too far, so he decides to rewrite history a bit and make Jordan believe that his father left him a keepsake from when he was a sergeant in the Army. When Vanessa hears about Bernie's lies, she is infuriated but eventually agrees it is important that Jordan think well of their father. She gives Jordan the only picture she has of her father so that he can have a real connection to his past.

Bernie doesn't like it that Bryanna's education consists of playing in the sandbox, tag and tiddlywinks, and he begins to question the teaching methods at the Wellington School. So Bernie volunteers as a teacher's helper for a week to see for himself. Things go wrong from the start when he demands respect from the kids and asks them to call him Mr. Mac instead of by his first name, as they do with the other adults at the school. When he gets resistance from the kids, the teachers tell Bernie that since he does not respect the Wellington way he must be on his way. He takes Bryanna with him but enrolling her in a new school isn't as easy as it seems. Meanwhile, Wanda thinks she can reason with Vanessa and Jordan and resists using violence against violence to get them to stop fighting, but she's beginning to think it's the only thing that will work.

The family heads to San Diego for a nice relaxing family vacation. But it's not the kids who have a problem relaxing, it's Bernie. He jumps on the last flight to Las Vegas to meet the boys for some gambling and debauchery. While in Vegas he meets up with boxer Sugar Shane Mosley, but it's Wanda who throws the punches.

Bernie is tired of living in a child-friendly house and having to give up all of his favorite things because of the kids. When the studio gives him a motorcycle and Wanda suggests that he give it to charity because it is unsafe, he puts his foot down and decides to keep it until he crashes, passes out and sees what the Mac house would be like without him. When he comes to, he realizes that Wanda is right, and he child-proofs everything in the house and becomes over-protective of the kids. Meanwhile, Jordan is caught trying to sell Bernie's girlie magazines to the boys at school and Bernie and Wanda are called into another meeting with Father Cronin.

Psychologist Dr. Phil makes a house call in Bernie's confessional. He counsels Bernie on how to deal with an angry Wanda, who feels left out after Bernie and his buddies bring a woman, Lynette, into their group. Meanwhile, the kids find where Bernie hides all of their dangerous toys and end up almost killing each other to keep the secret.

Bernie believes that he is the master of all pranks until his neighbor Carl Reiner, Wanda, and the kids join forces against him for the ultimate practical joke. They make Bernie believe that he accidentally killed Carl's beloved dog with rat poison. But it isn't until Ashton Kutcher comes into the picture that Bernie is put in his place.

Bernie's agent Jerry Best takes Jordan to his office on national "Take Your Child to Work Day," and Jordan lands a commercial for the designer knock-offs store, "Magic Malvert's." But when they threaten to fire Jordan, Bernie steps in and is forced to do the commercial. Bernie goes before the American Idol judges in his confessional and they critique his performance in the commercial.

Bernie catches Jordan looking at his men's magazines and playing provocative video games, so Wanda tells him it's time for Jordan to learn about the ""birds and the bees."" Bernie is having trouble getting the words out, so he stops by the Playboy Mansion to get advice from the expert, Hugh Hefner. When Jordan thinks he got a girl pregnant by kissing her, Bernie realizes it's time for the talk.

Bernie and Wanda struggle with how to discipline Bryana when she begins to change from their adorable baby girl into a bratty little bully. They consult a child therapist to determine what is making her suddenly throw tantrums, become a bully at school and fight with her siblings at home. Meanwhile, Bernie buys Bryana a guinea pig but it's Wanda who ends up taking care of the pet and eventually bonding with it

Bernie's birthday is here and the family does not notice and Bernie begins getting jealous about an old lady shocking him with a stun gun, seeing a kid celebrate his birthday at Jungle Garden and getting locked out. Guest appearances by George Clinton, Daniella Monet and Jill Talley.

Bernie is thankful that Vanessa is doing well in school due to the support of her teacher, Mr. Diggs. But when Mr. Diggs' influence turns her into a vegetarian, a jealous Bernie puts his foot down. Meanwhile, Jordan makes Bryana dread her first year sitting at the kids' table at Thanksgiving.

Vanessa confronts Bernie for looking through her things; Bernie buys security cameras to see what the family's doing, which more he bargained for. Guest appearance by Snoop Dogg.

Bernie decides that 8-year-old Bryana is too old to be riding her bike with training wheels. She crashes, and a guilty Bernie volunteers to take her class to the museum. Jordan steals an old cast from the hospital and wears it at school to get out of gym class.

Bernie is hoping for some peace and quiet as he prepares for a performance that night, but he must deal with the kids when Wanda's business meeting runs long.

Bernie gives Vanessa driving lessons, but he goes overboard while teaching Vanessa. Out of nowhere, he gets his truck towed away and he also gets glasses.

Bryana accidentally walks in on Bernie getting ready for his bath. Vanessa is not happy when Bryana moves into her room. Bernie and Wanda decide that it may be time to remodel the house, much to the dismay of Bernie's wallet.

Bernie's sister announces that she and her fiance, Monroe (Cedric Yarbrough) are eloping to Las Vegas. Wanda offers to have the wedding at the Mac house.

Bernie and Wanda are not satisfied with Bryana's test scores, and decide to enroll her at Jordan's school. As a result, Jordan is depressed because the kids at school think he's a nerd.

Jordan wants to be more popular in school, so Bernie teaches him to gamble, but the trick soon backfires. Wanda's birthday is coming up, and Bernie searches for a rare cognac-colored diamond.

Wanda decides to enroll the kids in an organization that teaches social skills to young people, with Vanessa instantly making new friends, who manage to get themselves into trouble & in mall jail.

Vanessa's new boyfriend is 18 years old, and has a child by a former girlfriend; Bernie confronts Vanessa about her new boyfriend and gets under her skin about it; Bernie reveals to Wanda that he thinks Vanessa is having sex.

Bernie is happy that Vanessa has joined the Spirit Squad, until he sees the racey costumes and provocative routines. Jordan enlists Bryana and her friends to help him sell a product.

Bryana's birthday party results in a lawsuit after she bounces high in the moon house and accidentally sending the girl flying. When Bernie hears about this, he tries to find a way to prevent the lawsuit from happening.

When Jordan develops a crush on a girl, Bernie teaches Jordan how to be a "player". Vanessa wants to attend a hip-hop concert.

Bernie hires a personal assistant. WWE World Heavyweight Champion Triple H becomes the victim of Jordan's prank phone calls.

Bernie wants to encourage Vanessa's burgeoning musical talent. Guest appearance by Isaac Hayes.

Bernie feels that Jordan is ready to walk home from school by himself, but his walk home days are over after Jordan and his friends pick on a crabby neighbor. Vanessa has a wardrobe malfunction while swimming.

Bryan, Bryanna's father, shows up to spend more time with his daughter-and ends up spoiling her.

When Jordan makes the wrestling team, Bernie turns to Stone Cold Steve Austin for advice.

Berine better put his money where his mouth is when he agrees to Charles Barkley's bet that he will beat Bernie's time in a 10K charity race.

Upset that Vanessa is living the free life, Bernie Mac has Vanessa work for him. Shortly, after wards Vanessa learns that his co-workers get all this free stuff because they mention they work for Bernie Mac. Vanessa takes big advantage of this, until Bernie Mac finds out. Later on, Vanessa has to bring one of his precious statues home but it breaks in a car accident. Jordan offers to fix it, with of course a price (some of the free stuff Vanessa got).